What do you find yourself thinking and worrying about throughout the day?
This past week, so many people have found themselves worrying about the tragic circumstances surrounding the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Were you one of them? I have to admit that I have consciously chosen not to be one of them.
I typically avoid watching the news. I get the top ten headlines compiled into a daily email from the Slate, the rest comes from what others are chatting about in the office or sharing on social media. Maybe that’s irresponsible of me, but it’s also what keeps me sane.
As a naturally empathetic person, I just can’t stand to watch, read, or hear what’s reported in the news. More often than not, it leaves me feeling depressed, angry, or helpless. I find myself carrying around the weight of a burden I have little or no control over.
All of this changed a few years ago when a wonderful friend and mentor introduced me to a simple model that has significantly changed the way I think about life. It’s from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
The Circle of Concern versus the Circle of Influence
This simple model forces us to think about where we choose to focus our time and energy. We all have many concerns that fill our lives. There are concerns about our work, our families, and our health, and then there are concerns about issues such as poverty, the national debt, the war on terror, global warming, and natural disasters, such as the recent earthquake in Japan.
All of these things fall into our Circle of Concern. However, only some of these concerns are things we actually have any real control or influence over. This smaller subset of concerns fall into what can be called our Circle of Influence.
Those who choose to focus their time and energy in the Circle of Influence are not only happier, they are the movers and shakers of the world. Rather than spending hours pouring over the news and worrying themselves into a fit of despair or helplessness, they are making a difference by focusing on the aspects of their lives they can actually control. By pouring energy into our Circle of Influence, we are actually able to expand it. Conversely, when we focus on the negative aspects of life, we cause our circle to shrink.
This is why I no longer choose to worry about what I see on the news. Take the tragedy associated with the earthquake in Japan as an example. I first heard about it as my husband and I were settling into bed. An alert was sent to his phone via the CNN app. I immediately thought, who do I know in Japan? Right away, I jumped on facebook (of course), and messaged my friend Anthony to see if he was okay. After receiving his confirmation, I lulled off to sleep.
Over the next couple days, I caught glimpses of the destruction and grief that has nearly swallowed Japan. I allowed myself a few minutes here and there to allow the pain of it to wash over me, and then I pulled my focus and energy back to my Circle of Influence. Watching the videos and worrying about Japan will not do anything to actually help the thousands of Japanese who are suffering right now.
Inside the Circle of Influence
So what will help? Fortunately, I didn’t have to look very far. My wonderful friend Sandra shared this link to a call to action by Mary Jaksche of Goodlife Zen. Mary shares some very useful ways to actually make a contribution, to stay focused in our Circle of Influence.
The ten minutes it took to contribute to the Japanese Red Cross and the All Hands Volunteers, and the few minutes it took to send some positive and loving energy out into the universe will go much further than hours spent ogling over the TV, gossiping with friends, or worrying in bed at night. (Please pass it on!)
Like Katie Tallo of Momentum Gathering, I chose to look at my life, with all it’s glorious imperfections, and to be grateful. As I lay in bed at night, I pulled my husband just a bit closer, I felt the soft fur of the dog curled up by my side, I sank a bit deeper into the bed underneath me, I peered up at the roof over my head, and I allowed my heart to swell with gratitude.
As we’ve seen this week, all of this could be taken from me in an instant. But even if it does, I will choose to focus my energy inside my Circle of Influence…on what really matters right here, right now, and on what I can actually do about it.
Where will you choose to focus your energy? What’s inside your Circle of Influence? Finally, who and what are you grateful for?
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus
When you think about worrying or grieving, choose to take action and show gratitude instead. Make a contribution in any way that you can. Pet your dog. Hug your children. Smile at your neighbor. Water your garden. Choose positive energy, gratitude, and love over and over again.
Be wise. Live life!
Hi Adrienne,
I love what you wrote. You and I are on the same wavelength as I recorded a video with a similar message to yours precisely because I can’t accept that people allow a feeling of helplessness to sink in. We have so much to be thankful for and so much to learn from a crisis like this one. This will not be the first nor the last time a horrible, unexpected, large scale tragedy occurs, but it can be the beginning of a better life for everyone who was touched in some way (physical or emotional) by it. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people will focus on what is F(*$D up in the world and not on how this event can fuel more compassion, more sharing and more presence in all of our lives. I thank you for your message and hope it reaches many people from all walks of life. I am grateful to cross paths with you Adrienne, I really am. – Bernardo
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Very powerful post Adrienne.
I agree that when we take action and try to effect change in our world then we have a better chance of feeling less anxious and more empowered to make a positive difference in our lives.
Alex
Excellent words of wisdom, Adrienne.
I, too, choose to limit my exposure to the news – I tend to become so discouraged from the constant focus on ‘everything horrible’. It seems the news is more exploitative in their reporting style … instead of reporting the facts then moving on to the ways to be proactive, helpful, etc. However, I guess ‘gloom and doom’ is what grabs viewers.
Bad news is a fact of life – so, the choice becomes what we will choose to ‘feed’ on and, like you, when I see horrific occurrences/situations, I look at all I have to be thankful for in my own life.
With this current tragedy I found myself feeling guilty for all that is good in my life … for even having life! Then I knew it was time to focus on anything good or positive coming out of Japan – like the 4 month old found relatively unscathed and reunited with her father! Yes, life continues to offer blessed events amidst a horrific background.
Keep sharing your determination to find the positives of life.
Peppy
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very nicely put, thank you baby girl! love you always.
Hi Adrienne,
Thanks for the reminder not to focus too much on what is out of my control. We always need that reminder to work on what we can do, to make a difference where we can.
Circle of influence and circle of concern. Very interesting concept.
Thanks for sharing it with me.
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I have to admit that I’m a news junkie. But I don’t put much emotion into it or feel any despair. I just like to know what is going on in the world. I realize it is out of control so I don’t let it impact me in a way to make me loose focus on the things in my life that I can control.
Of course the time I spend on the news doesn’t mean I neglect the things that are important around me though. After I’m done reading the news, it pretty much ends there. I don’t jump into debates with people about things going on. I’d rather talk about things I actually have some influence over.
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Can’t believe it took me so long to visit ELF! Coming back.
I love your straightforward model for “positive concern.” It is life-giving. I’m trying to ignore the news, and the “irritable grasping after fact and reason.” Slow reading. Receiving/giving rather than worrying/getting.
Strong work!
Worry, fear, anxiety – can often be a habit. One that forms over time and begins to feel very “real” as though there is not an option to feel differently. You offer some great insights to changing the habit and seeing it as a choice. ” When you think about worrying or grieving, choose to take action and show gratitude instead. Make a contribution in any way that you can” .
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My apologies for arriving to the party late everyone! My circle of influence this week has largely revved around homework.
Seriously though, I have read and absorbed your insights as I have received them and am grateful for each of them!
@Bernardo Yes, we are definitely on the same wavelength here! It took me nearly a half hour to finally view your video…and it was so worth it!!
I believe you are definitely sharing a message that can “fuel more compassion, sharing, and presence in our lives,” and hope that is what I am sharing as well!
@Alex, thank you! Yes – empowerment – when we acknowledge to ourselves and others that we CAN BE the difference!
@ Peppy – Welcome, you are in good company! I agree with you, I think the news wouldn’t be so bad if they would just balance what they report with something actionable.
I love the way you said, it’s about what we choose “to feed” ourselves…it’s really a good analogy. We can either bring nourishment and energy into our bodies, or we can fill it with junk and empty calories. Choosing the former is what allows us to actually create something productive out of the destruction.
I’m glad you chose gratitude over guilt.
@Mom – I love you, too!! (Don’t’ worry..be happy! La, la, la, la
)
@David – I often feel like that is what this blogging community is all about…reminding each other of what really matters…and holding each other acceptable to it!
@Steve – I know so many people who are also like that! It comes down to personality differences I suspect. Some people are able to be much more objective than others. Personally, I think we need both types…those that can look at a situation and be able to think clearly about it without attaching emotion, and those that cannot possibly see a situation without immersing themselves in it and really feeling it.
@Mark – I’m so glad you stopped by and look forward to having you back! I’ve definitely been enjoying your insights (and crazy side conversations) on Twitter. Yes, less worrying, more giving.
@Aileen, You bring up a great point!! Yes, worry, fear, and anxiety can definitely become a habit. If we choose this response enough times, it no longer becomes a choice…it becomes a default position. I know far too many people that are like this, and it does no good to them or anyone around them. Breaking this habit is probably one of the most difficult, but also one of the most rewarding. (Still a work in progress for me!)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so candidly. I am happy to read your post. Finally someone is articulating what my thoughts are.
For a while, I wondered if I was lacking in compassion by not reading the news in Japan more fervently. Unlike many others, I wasn’t using social media to announce the latest news updates on the situation in Japan either.
However, I chose to focus my energies on what I could actually do. I avoided thoughts of worry and despair but chose to send healing and loving energy in meditation sessions.
Evelyn,
I’m happy to hear this resonated with you as well! Some people are just better able to compartmentalize the tragedies they see reported on the news, and not let it affect them personally. While I definitely see the value in being informed about what’s going on in the world, I’m just not someone who can separate myself from what I see happening. Like you, I choose to focus positive and healing energies in the areas I can control. I’m not always great at this, but it a matter of “proactive focus,” as Covey says.